This song is an “oldie but a goodie” in the words of some.  This is the only song that I have ever successfully written about the testimony of someone else.  So, if you really want to hear the full story, you will have to ask Jay or Missy Durbin, seeing as this song is their life story.  Both of them lived without their father from a very young age.  In Jay’s case, his father died when Jay was young, and the only faith that he knew, he left behind rapidly.  He didn’t believe there was a God who could care about him, especially in the midst of that tragedy.  After meeting Missy, marrying, and then wanting to start a family, the desire to be good parents and have a loving household in which to raise their kids became a priority. 

Jay tells of hearing the message from the pulpit from Jeremiah 6:16, which says, “This is what the Lord says: ‘Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. But you said, ‘We will not walk in it.’”  This resonated with Jay but it wasn’t until some time later that he realized that he was truly saying, “I will not walk in it,” by turning his back on Christ.  Realizing that nothing he was trying to build with his own hands for his family would become reality without Christ (and with way more of a story than I’m telling here), Jay and Missy found faith in Jesus.  And they love their kids well.  They adopted myself and many other college kids and share their faith and their love of Jesus.  It makes my heart happy that they love this song and their kids love this song – although it may be the most bare bones recording I ever do.  I was so scared for them the first time I played it that I dropped my pick halfway through the song.  Although no song could fully do justice to God’s saving work in a human heart, I’m glad I can journey with them at least a little bit through music.

Crossroads
 
I stood at the crossroads
So young I remember the first time
You spoke plain about what was right
I saw I had a choice to make
More than one path to take
But only the narrow would lead to life
I trusted my family, accepted everything that they said to believe
So I could follow their words while Yours became unheard
I was convinced from what they said
No harm would come to be on anything dear to me
So I followed them down that road
 
I stand at the crossroads
Emptiness inside my soul
The innocence of youth no longer known
The pain so strong, I did nothing wrong
He meant more to me than what I could ever own
Why is he gone?
So, at this crossroad, tell me, why should I press on?
I’m done with this hit and miss, I will not walk on it
You broke me down so count me out, I’m never coming back
 
I’m not listening, stay away from me
I am in control, I can do this on my own
I fall apart, take me to the start
I’m falling apart, I’ve fallen apart
 
So, I am at the crossroads
A place I swore I’d never be
But I must admit it’s been haunting me
The road I chose got me nowhere, just looking backwards
Now I understand, I GET IT:  I can’t do this all alone
I need You, and You alone
So from this day on, I choose the narrow
At the crossroads
 
Now I stand at the crossroads
Everyday in each step take
You are the light that guides my way
Help me to seek Your will
Though the trials test me still
I am Yours at the crossroads
At the crossroads

Well, I have finally written a story about one of my favorite Bible characters.  My favorite New Testament character comes up a lot in my writing.  (Peter.  Why, you may ask?  Because he literally should put his foot in his mouth for half the things he says and does, but God uses him anyway.  It gives me hope for me).  My favorite Old Testament character is Joseph, but all the good songs about him have already been written and put in a musical, so…yeah.

I must admit that God’s words to Gideon top any other conversation with another character in comedy and depth.  If you are unfamiliar with Gideon’s story, let me fill in background.  If you know his story, humor me :).  Gideon is one of God’s chosen people, an Israelite.  They are living in the land promised to them by God.  But, they have decided to forsake God and worship another god, Baal.  God sent the Midianites to oppress them, steal their crops, and wage war against them so His people would again call on Him.  We meet Gideon in a wine press threshing wheat.  Wheat should be threshed on a high hill or out in the open in a breezy location where the chaff and excess plant stuff can be blown away while the wheat falls back down.  Gideon is doing this job practically in a pit (where nothing would blow away and it is practically a useless endeavor) because he doesn’t want to be discovered by the Midianites and his crop seized. 

All of the sudden, an angel appears to Gideon and says, “The LORD is with you, mighty warrior!”  Now, if you are Gideon, or me, or anyone who gets the fact that Gideon is being a straight up sissy at the moment, the angel’s statement sparks a “WHA???” moment.  The logical person in me argued the meaning behind this phrase.  Perhaps God is just comforting Gideon and gearing him up for war.  It’s like one of my grade school camp kids get hurt, and while you try to bandage it up, they ask how bad it is, and you say “Oh, it’s not that bad” regardless of how bad it is.  Well, friends…God is not like that.  What he speaks is complete truth.  So, when he shows up and says Gideon is a mighty warrior, then that means Gideon is a mighty warrior.  Whether he was or not before that moment is debatable, but from that time on, he is.  And, it is his true identity and purpose.  God can do that.  He can show up in the midst of our lives and speak truth over us.  And where there was once nothing, there is something.  This same God spoke into the void and POW!!! – creation.  He speaks into us and POW! goodness, creativity, kindness, strength, etc. come to life.

This is why I love the story of Gideon.  We can trust what God has spoken over us – some of it is for all believers in Scripture.  Sometimes what he speaks is more personal – to individual hearts.  But, he speaks who we truly are to all of us.  That is why I love the story of Gideon.
I did leave out a bit of it :).  Like the fleece and the aftermath, but the good parts are there, of course!

Gideon

Down in the dust that’s where I was
Down there, starving for air and a purpose
Listening close, for sounds of the foe
When without warning, there stood before me a presence unknown, and He said,
 
“The LORD is with you; You are a mighty warrior and I am sending you”

“Pardon me, sir, I’d tend to disagree, sir
With what you’ve said, can’t you see we’re oppressed, down here in a hole?
And why me, sir? For I am the least of
All of my people; They’ll need more of a leader to win a war”

“The LORD is with you; You are a mighty warrior and I am sending you
Out of nothing, I speak to life all that is meant to be: Oh how brave you’ll…”

“The LORD is with me!  I am a mighty warrior! Dare I believe it’s true?
Sound the call to arms, for I have been sent to you, now is the time to move!”

“Gideon, you have too many men: Send them home if they’re afraid
Lest You boast of salvation by your hand: bring them to the water’s edge
I will separate them there
You only need 600 men”

“We only need 600 men!!
The LORD is with me; I am a might warrior, now is the time to move!
Sound the trumpets, smash the jars, and on this night lift your battle cry,
‘This is for the LORD and for Gideon.’”

I’m currently sitting in the studio listening to this song being built from scratch!  It is going to be sweet!  (Not to mention, it has made at least two moms cry already, before it was even recorded in studio.  Obviously, that is the true mark of a good song ;).  Just kidding… anyway…).  I’m going to try and explain what I am really attempting to convey in this song.  It can easily be seen as a, “You need to make something of yourself and I hope you do” song.  That is not what it is about.  It is my hope for students that they discover who they really are as they go through life’s difficulties.  Sometimes as mentors (and I’m sure parents feel this way also), we wish that we could help kids reach their potential or hand them the keys they will need to succeed.  But, we can’t. We have to watch them struggle, sometimes fail, and learn.  That is how bravery, success, and growth of good character come about.  This is why I sing, “A butterfly will strengthen her own wings.  Believe you me.”  Now, I don’t think each person is solely responsible for all of their growth.  My prayer for all the kiddos I sing this for is that they will reach their true potential and brave their fears, but that they will come to know they can only do these things because of Jesus.  He fights for each one of us and gives our purpose and direction.  So, this song is my prayer that they will find that.

Through My Eyes

It’s 2017, you’ve grown up way too fast for me
You say a year feels like eternity
You must not blink

Life passes by as fast as grains of sand in an hourglass
and seldom leads us where expected
Don’t let that stop you from taking chances
because those who never try, never live

You will have fears
You’ll have to brave them, but don’t you hide
The world is brighter place when you shine
You will have doubts
About your potential, but in time
I pray you can see your future through my eyes

This whole time it’s taken every bit of my self-control
To watch you struggle to be free
A butterfly will strengthen her own wings
Believe you me, believe you me

I want for you a narrow road paved with meaning and filled with hope
I’ve caught the vision in Another’s eyes and in time I pray you will see through mine

You will have fears
You’ll have to brave them, but don’t you hide
The world is brighter place when you shine
You will have doubts
About your potential, but in time
I pray you can see your future through my eyes

I wrote this song about a year and a half ago.  It was mainly written for a pastor friend of mine, several years older than myself.  He did not currently have a job as a pastor, and was feeling a bit underused, if I can use that term.  We’ve all been there, though maybe not to that extreme.  “God, what are you up to?  This seems completely backwards to the direction you’ve been leading me for so long.”  But, it is okay to wrestle with God.  The psalmists did all the time.  This song focuses partially on the imagery of Jacob’s wrestling match, but I hope there is truth in it as well.  It definitely gives me a way to express my lack of understanding.  But, our lack of understanding does not go hand in hand with a lack of faith, nor is it supposed to.  Great men and women of faith wrestle with God’s ways all the time.  That gives me hope!

The Wrestler

The older I get, the less that I understand
With the exception of my brokenness
Is that all we hold at the end of this race?
Don’t get me wrong:  I’m aware I need Your grace
But, didn’t you tell me I’m worth more than my mistakes?

Help me cling to the truth when there’s so much that I don’t know
Let me wrestle with You, though I can never gain control
I won’t let go ’til You speak peace over my soul and make me new
Daybreak’s coming soon

Does a lack of faith make one feel this way?
Or does a mustard seed spark the questioning?
Are You the Contender that can handle all of me
In my defense, this is who You made me to be:
Just a restless wanderer searching for a greater aim

I’m done assuming
And holding on to my conclusions
I won’t walk away from what You choose to not explain and
I’ll fight for the faith it takes
To know I may never know

These might be my best lyrics yet.  I’ve watched interviews where my favorite songwriters will just tell how the words and melody flow out of their pens faster than they can really comprehend and write them down.  It doesn’t seem to happen all the time, and it certainly doesn’t to me.  But, my best work comes in that way, and that is true of this song.  The melody just hit me out of nowhere and was stuck in my head for days, and the words just began forming.

What was I thinking about when I wrote this song?  Well, I’ve been studying Romans.  I’ve been quizzed on the fact that if Romans could be described in one word it would be a book about the “gospel.”  What is the gospel?  Well, it’s the good news that God has the power to save anyone who accepts His help…because everyone needs saving.  Although, like Paul, I’m not ashamed of the gospel, it is hard to see it’s power sometimes.  Does it actually change people since I and others fall back into sin and old habits?  Does God actually care and love us since bad things happen to us?

Also, it is the season of advent.  So, when thinking about how we are living in a place of the kingdom of God is “here but not yet,” I think about all the time that Israel waited for their Messiah.  Now, we know that part of the story.  And we know His kingdom has come – although we wait for the rest.  The song became just a picture of Jesus, and what He has done, and what good news that is for us.

Divine Trade

Can I believe in a kingdom that’s coming?
Here but not yet in full manifest, still on its way
The earth felt the change as one feels the dawn break
Angelic hosts told just how close heaven remains

Oh silent night
Oh star that still shines
Where faith became sight in the darkness

I can’t comprehend the depths of compassion
The Word took on flesh, stepped into our mess to live among us
He came to His own but they did not receive Him
Sentenced and flogged, the crumbs fell to dogs at the Passover table

Oh darkest of days
When death had its way
And God turned His face from His begotten
With tears in His eyes
He gave up his Life with one final cry,
The veil that divides was torn top to bottom

Oh how infinite and unbounded His grace
That the Father would pay the debt for our crimes
Long awaited and undeserving Messiah
Offered selflessly for all of mankind

At that final hour, to Him will I cling
Wretch that I am no longer condemned, stands forgiven
My only claim is this Divine trade:
His death and life, counted as mine – FOR HE IS RISEN

Oh glorious morning
Where life is restored
Our hope is reborn everlasting
The Son anticipating
As the Father counts down the days
Until at last we will see Him alive

Here at the start of December, I am experiencing repeat pain from the nerve in my left leg.  For those who missed it, during February of last year I herniated a disc in my lower back which sent excruciating pain down my left leg.  It took away my ability to run or do much of anything physical.  I ended up in the ER and with several days away from work on narcotics and appointments for blood work, an MRI…the whole works.  I really enjoy my morning runs and they help start my day well.  Also, they just make me feel more energetic.  When I can’t run (like 6 months of the past year and currently), it is a pretty big blow to my heart and mind, as well as my body.  I penned the following song in the spring when I wasn’t allowed to run, stand still, sit, or walk above 1 foot per second.  I may be able to walk now, but the song still rings true.

Displacement

I never wanted life to be easy; I just want to make it count
So in this prayer of desperation, I’m just starting to think out loud
I was never in control anyway, it’s just easier to admit on days like today
When I don’t see a sign of improvement

I just want to run but I still can’t walk
Can I lean into You and find I still am strong?
The road ahead stretches far
But the promise I need is You with me to where You are

I don’t always get what I ask for because where’s the faith in that
You tell the widow keep asking; it just doesn’t make much sense
I was never in control anyway, it’s just easier to admit on days like today
When my prayers don’t have answers

This thorn in the flesh is wearing me down
But my weakness is Your finest hour
At least that’s one thing that’s clear to me now
I don’t know the fullness of what’s down the road
But You tell me You’ve walked it before
In Your strength I will move on

Nashville was fantastic!  Can’t wait to share the new recording will you all soon.  However, after spending time in studio and with other talented musicians like my dad 😀 and Luke (who does all of the recording, mixing, producing, and playing of any instrument besides piano), I always come back pumped and ready to make more music.  So, I finished a song I have been working on called Empty Spaces.

This song was birthed from two different approaches to the same struggle.  Sometimes we feel alone, a bit broken, abandoned maybe.  And I am blessed, don’t mishear me.  If I actually admitted to being lonely, I’d have numerous friends and family at my doorstep to prove me wrong.  However, within the past year, a close friend of mine and I became quite distant.  And that leaves a hole.  Almost makes you feel like you lost a limb or something.  You don’t do all the same things you once did, and everyday looks a bit different.  You wonder, “God, where does your plan fit into this?  I thought I was loving people well.” At the same time, my pastor has been preaching about hospitality.  For all you reading this who know me well, typical hospitality is not my strong suit.  I am a minimalist, so I don’t have much to offer people.  And I certainly can’t cook.  I just usually invite myself over to other’s houses. I’ve been reminded that I don’t have to be the queen of hospitality in order to be hospitable.  And, for every time I am in need of community and wish it for myself, there is another somewhere thinking the same thing, and God uses people like you and me who are very inadequate to manifest His shalom.  So, if we all have emptiness within us, longing to be filled by the Savior, can I first admit to that, but second, let Him make me whole so I can be a vessel of peace to others?  Can I trust Him with the parts of me that have recently been vacated and remain faithful and open to His work in me?  I pray that it is so.

Empty Spaces

Park the car, walk up the driveway
Unlock the door along with my heartache
Every room is just as I left it
Can’t help but think that there’s something missing
Pull up the shade, look out the window
Watch the sunset, still in my work clothes
Another day eyeing the fences, just making myself
Restless

I’ve gotta let this go
But I just don’t know how
When I look around, all I see is this empty house
We all have our empty spaces
Hidden deep within our souls
We’re all looking for a fullness not our own

So much of me beneath the surface
Not sure how to unearth it now
So when you find me down in the trenches, don’t let me bury myself
Further

I’m not the only one seeking affirmation
I’m not the only one longing for a home
Take these empty hands, empty rooms, empty spaces
Make them whole
Bring shalom

We all have our empty spaces
Hidden deep within our souls
We’re all looking for a fullness not our own

I will be heading into the studio this month!  My dad will be playing the piano for this track and my dear sister-in-law’s sister will be singing the background vocals.  She picked this song out many years ago as her favorite that I had written.

My first few years out of college, I studied the book of Ecclesiastes.  It is about a man who had everything, tried everything, and still could not find happiness or purpose.  In the midst of the book are these words, “He has set eternity in the hearts of men, yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”  There is always a longing in us for something more than what this world gives.  None of us can deny that.  How many times do I wish I could convince my students that they will not find happiness, contentment, or purpose where they are seeking it.  It only comes from the One Eternal.  So, the song Eternity Echoes was born.

Eternity Echoes

If this is all there is, we may as well not exist
Because all that I see, it’s all vanity;
We’re all dying to find meaning within this life,
But I’ve seen it all, and it’s just not enough
But, the fact we’re all searching for more
Must mean that there’s something worth searching for

Eternity echoes in all of our minds
The home that we groan for but cannot describe
All we hold dear we will leave it behind

We’ve made a mess of this earth, digging for pleasure and worth
We cannot count what is lacking;
Both the fools and the wise will one day realize that God is not found in His blessings;
Searching for hope in the brokenness just tells us there’s got to be more than this

Eternity echoes in all of our minds
The home that we groan for but cannot describe
All we hold dear we will leave it behind
It’s meaningless, all of this won’t satisfy
All that we need only He can supply
He makes everything beautiful in it’s time
Just in time

I’m letting this go: The world and it’s hopes
I’m claiming the miracle: That there’s more than this life

Eternity echoes in all of our minds
It’s the hope within the brokenness that screams for new life
Our worries and fears, we will leave them behind
It’s meaningless, all of this won’t satisfy
All that we need only He can supply
He makes everything beautiful in it’s time