In Between
In Between
36 and 17/Stuck somewhere in the in between/I’ve been holding out, not slowing down/I’ve been trapped inside/A ticking time bomb called my life/Cut the wires, oh, I’ve tried, but I’m locked inside
Strike a math and watch the time burn away/Counting years and watching my dreams fade
I can’t tell wait I’m afraid of/All I know is I don’t want to wake up/20 years down the road unable to trust Your love when I don’t have what I want
I’m in overdrive/Took the left lane to save some time/Now I can’t stop passing my life by with my foot to the floor
Hit the gas and watch the miles illuminate/How far I am from the plan I had made
I can’t tell wait I’m afraid of/All I know is I don’t want to wake up/20 years down the road unable to trust Your love when I don’t have what I want
What I want/But what do I want?
Will I still be here at 36 years of age still keeping score of all the people who have what I want, but oh, I want so much more/ Don’t want to be left here chasing the wind again/ I just want to be content/Whatever that means, wherever that is/Will you hold my heart until then?/Will you teach me how to press in?
Will you hold my heart until then?
Will you teach me how to press in?
So, this song is the last blog about the album A Fork in the Road that will release 3/23/23!! It wasn’t the last recorded, however. I feel like the story of its being recorded and the writing of it are both significant, but I’ll focus on the writing process. But, if you want to hear the other story, let me know. God’s hand was clearly in the recording process too!
If you know me, most of you know I’ve been in several weddings. Seven, actually. The first round of weddings took place after college and all my college friends were getting married. That is when I originally penned this song – the first verse and the beginning of the chorus are from that time. The idea behind the song was overall this feeling of being “left behind,” so to speak. All my good friends were having this experience, and I wasn’t. But, I was still 25 after all, and I trusted God with my future, so I wrote the song and was able to tuck a lot of the “why not me?” questions away and just keep moving on.
Then, two years ago, I was in another round of weddings after meeting several of my dear friends in STL through Bible study (BSF). This time, I’m processing some of the same thoughts…but it has been 8, 9, 10… years later. And sometimes waiting makes it harder to trust God. I’m thankful that there are stories in Scripture where others had to wait (Abraham, Jacob, the whole Israelite people..) and perhaps not all waited well. I still hope God creates in me a pattern of waiting well, but I’m thankful that moments of impatience don’t disqualify us from His care and love. (Thank you Jesus!)
So, the chorus used to read “I can’t tell what I’m afraid of. All I know is I don’t want to wake up 20 years down the road to find I haven’t changed at all. 20 years down the road and still the same.” Which, this is still true. And the first time I wrote it, it was from the perspective of: “I really hope my life circumstances change, and I’m not feeling like the only one left out, etc.” But this time around, realizing that not many of my circumstances had changed much, and I don’t feel like it is in my power to change them (I think it’s in His), I had to ask myself, what do I really want to change?
Several good friends let me talk over these lyrics with them, and I believe it was their help that led to some of the best lyrics. (And the Lord’s work through them, of course!) As I was mulling over these thoughts, God was gracious to show me that what I am really afraid of is losing trust in His goodness and the goodness of His sovereign plan for my life even after all this waiting. Because I felt like after more time had gone by, I should have a surer faith, not a weaker one. But, it certainly feels like it is a weaker one. So, the song tried to capture my desire to still want a trust in the Lord despite undesirable circumstances. The words were turned to “I don’t want to wake up 20 years down the road unable to trust Your love when I don’t have want I want.” Which is so true. I want my desires to be transformed to His desires, but even if those aren’t met, I still want to trust His love.
And, the end of the song turned from “I just want to be content, whatever that means, wherever that is keep my heart and my mind open” to ” I just want to be content, whatever that means, whatever that is, will You hold my heart until then? Will you teach my how to press in?” Because I want more than a heart open to possibilities – I want a heart that is seeking His will, His good gifts, His gifts of fulfillment and contentment, even when it is hard.
End of story is – whatever you are facing and waiting on God’s timing for, I hope when this song comes out, you will roll the windows down and sing with me that you long for the comfort of our God.